The is brutally honest so if ya don't want to be scared by my inner thougths quit reading now. I"m not writing a happy blog, but a honest blog. Thinking about... Today I'm thinking about quitting dieting and not mentally beating myself up every day I don't exercise. Today I' m thinking about what I would look like with red hair. Today I'm thinking about what I would look like if I grew my hair out. Today I'm remembering what it was like to sit and read a book for hours after I completed my chores. Today I'm wonderig if I'm having a mid-life crisis or if I'm just tired. Don't get me wrong I love going for walks. Somedays I enjoy lifting weights and often I enjoy a heart pumping can't quite catch my breath aerobic workout. But on the days I work, get the kids, run errands and do the dishes and it's 8:30 or 9:30 at night and there is still bed time routine to complete and I haven't exercised- I constantly worry I've failed and I'll get fat or get diabetes (it runs in my family). A woman in my family recently commented to me ,"Oh but you have a high metabolism". I responded honsetly, "No I really don't". To be honest this makes me mad and hurts my feelings. There are a lot of things I never allow myself to eat to try to keep my weight down. I exercise whenever I can. I eat a lot of beans and I eat Special K cereal 2 to 3 times a week instead of a "regular" supper-so give me a break I work hard to try to keep my weight down. During the time we were trying to get pregnant with Cannon (it was less than a year) I quit dieting ,but still do aerobics 2-3 times a week and went for pretty long walks on the othe days and I gained over 35 lbs-that is with still exercising and a few food restrictions still in place. I gain weight pretty quickly which is why I lift weights so much muscle burns more calories even at rest than fat. I ate regular Ranch dressing on my salad the other day (not reduced) and I poured the dressing on until the salad tasted good instead of lightly sprinking and then no more- it tasted GREAT!. I had a doughnut (regular fat) for the first time in over 8 years a few weeks ago; I enjoyed the taste so much I had to stop walking in the middle of a parking lot. Oh I'd forgotten how moist, but light and fluffy Dunkin' Donuts were. I try to never let myself eat an entire dessert- to show I still have power over it I can stop. So you still I struggle minute by minute with food so when someone assumes I have a high metabolism it chaps my hide. Now exercising is also a great tool in fighting depression- which is why I do exercise-somedays its the only thing that will life me. I pray as I walk. I don't envy rich people I envy skinny people, but I'm getting better I saw a super skinny lady last week and I actually could recognize she was thin enough to be unhealthy. Right now I'm either going to go on a huge diet and majorally exercise or I'm going to start eating what I want and not fighting gravity so muhc. I'm in my mid-30's and I've been dieting since I was 10 years old. There are times I think it encompasses too much of my mental energy when more of my focus should be on my relationships with God. I look in the mirror and still cry b/c I hate how I look. I feel guilty b/c I've already lightened my restrictions up a lot the last few years- Frank takes me out for cheesecake I eat things now I would never have eaten before. So I pig out now and again. I need to eat healthy so I can keep my energy up, but ya know....
Anyways... that's what I'm thinking about today.