Haven't blogged in a long time. I probably should as I believe it is good for me emotinally. I am certain the feedback from my blogs from you few friends who read it is. I just finished reading the Register's article "Mom I'm in Trouble" abt the Fisher family from Ankeny. I cannot express how much I identified with their daughter. I've been doing fairly well for quite some time but still truly struggle every day from months on end; sad thing to admit I know. I can tell the last year I've really been struggling again but trying to really lean on God. There are days I only think about how many calories I've consumed a little bit. In the strangest of ways my digestive disorder and the pain it causes "helps" and hurts me. It helps me in that I am in pain so for some days the pain dulls my appetite. In other ways I am in so much pain and bloated and fatigued from the disorder and the meds for it that I can't exercise and the constant bloating makes me feel and look fat-so hard to fight that in my brain. Frank does not know this but I saved a msg he sent me from face book. When he adamantly affirmed to me that I was not fat I had severe bloating from a disorder and its meds that I could not help. He asked me to please quit worrying about it because it was making him angry. I so get that. But also it is next to impossible for me to fight those thoughts esp when I look in the mirror and see my huge abdomen. When my pants don't fit. When I don't let myself eat a litany of foods due to their caloric count (the sugar limit is due to my hypoglycemia but I carry it too far sometimes it is a fear or more a terror that I will remember I like those foods and want them again). On the other side of the coin whether Frank means to be or not he is a visual person and how I look is important to him. Not in this context but through the Love Languages book I know my appearance is very important to him. I am also not getting any younger so I do I not think a lot about my weight when I know I gain weight quickly and easily and diabetes is looming? I am doctor ordered to exercise for my digestive disorder, but when it doesn't work I get upset but I want to exercise anyway. for good and bad reasons I must confess. Not viewing my weight as an idol has been a within the past 3 or so years freshness for me. Hard when I need to watch what I eat for so many health reasons and exercise for health reasons to not get carried away. That has been better for me lately with the exercise portion anway. I do think about it almost constantly but realize my realtionships with God and my family trump it and sleep. The problem as of late is I don't get to exercise even as I am doctor ordered so then I worry about it and become angry the other way. I do feel better after I exercise I just need some free time to do it and then maybe my obessesion would ease up. I know this article explained the best I have ever read of where I have been and part of where I am. I have never been admitted to hospital for it per se, but complications of it. I have been doctor ordered into therapy with threat of court order as early as 8 years ago. This is the one area of my life that Frank has been a life saver no one else has. When he pats my tummy and says he loves it; it angers me my gut is there when I know others eat a lot more than me and don't have a gut. I feel like they get away with so much. I also believe him and adore him for knowing to specifically accept that part of me. I use to push his hands away and never let him touch my stomach at all. We all have battles this is just one of mine. Seems hard to find other Christians with this battle- I was once shamed for it that I should "not be so vain. give to God. just eat". if only it were that simple. I know God is able its me thats the problem.

Sincerely
Jennifer