Haven't blogged in a long time. I probably should as I believe it is good for me emotinally. I am certain the feedback from my blogs from you few friends who read it is. I just finished reading the Register's article "Mom I'm in Trouble" abt the Fisher family from Ankeny. I cannot express how much I identified with their daughter. I've been doing fairly well for quite some time but still truly struggle every day from months on end; sad thing to admit I know. I can tell the last year I've really been struggling again but trying to really lean on God. There are days I only think about how many calories I've consumed a little bit. In the strangest of ways my digestive disorder and the pain it causes "helps" and hurts me. It helps me in that I am in pain so for some days the pain dulls my appetite. In other ways I am in so much pain and bloated and fatigued from the disorder and the meds for it that I can't exercise and the constant bloating makes me feel and look fat-so hard to fight that in my brain. Frank does not know this but I saved a msg he sent me from face book. When he adamantly affirmed to me that I was not fat I had severe bloating from a disorder and its meds that I could not help. He asked me to please quit worrying about it because it was making him angry. I so get that. But also it is next to impossible for me to fight those thoughts esp when I look in the mirror and see my huge abdomen. When my pants don't fit. When I don't let myself eat a litany of foods due to their caloric count (the sugar limit is due to my hypoglycemia but I carry it too far sometimes it is a fear or more a terror that I will remember I like those foods and want them again). On the other side of the coin whether Frank means to be or not he is a visual person and how I look is important to him. Not in this context but through the Love Languages book I know my appearance is very important to him. I am also not getting any younger so I do I not think a lot about my weight when I know I gain weight quickly and easily and diabetes is looming? I am doctor ordered to exercise for my digestive disorder, but when it doesn't work I get upset but I want to exercise anyway. for good and bad reasons I must confess. Not viewing my weight as an idol has been a within the past 3 or so years freshness for me. Hard when I need to watch what I eat for so many health reasons and exercise for health reasons to not get carried away. That has been better for me lately with the exercise portion anway. I do think about it almost constantly but realize my realtionships with God and my family trump it and sleep. The problem as of late is I don't get to exercise even as I am doctor ordered so then I worry about it and become angry the other way. I do feel better after I exercise I just need some free time to do it and then maybe my obessesion would ease up. I know this article explained the best I have ever read of where I have been and part of where I am. I have never been admitted to hospital for it per se, but complications of it. I have been doctor ordered into therapy with threat of court order as early as 8 years ago. This is the one area of my life that Frank has been a life saver no one else has. When he pats my tummy and says he loves it; it angers me my gut is there when I know others eat a lot more than me and don't have a gut. I feel like they get away with so much. I also believe him and adore him for knowing to specifically accept that part of me. I use to push his hands away and never let him touch my stomach at all. We all have battles this is just one of mine. Seems hard to find other Christians with this battle- I was once shamed for it that I should "not be so vain. give to God. just eat". if only it were that simple. I know God is able its me thats the problem.

Sincerely
Jennifer

You are not wearing his ring, I am. You did not create children with him, I did. He wanders to you, but stays with me. You were a passing fancy, I am his abiding love.

poem I wrote this morning. put it on facebook, but realized that was too public a place. My closer, dearest friends will understand it from this blog. I just needed to put it down somewhere.

Several of you have asked how Cannon is really doing, so I decided to share a little. We are not the only parents of a child with "extras" so here it goes. I hoep this can be seen as a testament of God's grace and never ending supply of love because that is how we not only get by, but are also blessed!!!!

Frankie was off from work this Easter so I was really looking forward to the special day celebrating Christ's resurrection day!!! celebration. Cannon did not have the best of mornings-we double checked things and figured out he has skipped a few doses of meds the day previous. He does not intend (I hope anyway) to do this, but gets distracted. So.. we are now having his meds bubble packed (thank God I use to be a Case Worker so I figured out a few handy tricks). His psychiatrist's nurse responded, "Oh good idea Mom". tee hee I gotta laugh. God answers prayers by putting thoughts together for us. So Sunday a.m. was well.. awful. Frank took most of the heat as Cannon targeted Dad. I felt really bad for Frank. After church, Jewel and I went to my bedroom to put candy in Easter eggs for our 1st family egg hunt while the guys had a little chat. Jewel and I also prayed really hard for our guys. At times like this I am so thankful for God answering prayers. It was a back and forth day for Cannon, but with our support he managed to stay on a fairly even keel. We decided to continually put our best foot forward and devoured a fabulous meal prepared by Frankie!!!!!!!

Anyway... we still had a joyous EAster day. I would not trade my little family for anything in the world, especially the recent growth I have seen in Frank and I as a married couple, Frank as a father and person, and our family in general. I hope Cannon can continue to heal and follow what God has planned for him. Sure I would love to see a miracle-supernatural healing from bi-polar and his other Dx, but I do not know God's plan. We continue to appreciate your prayers for our family. Please let us know if there are specific ways we can pray for you and your family.

Blessings,

Jennifer

Quick post to ask for prayer. Those of you who know us really well know Cannon has bi-polar disorder. He seems to be struggling again. So.. I am not taking it very well right now. It is causing stress for all of us. I am concerned it will lead to a disconnect between Frank and I. Nothing major just feel unsettled and a need for prayers.
Love you all!
Jenn

We had a busy, but good VEISHEA 2009. Friday, Katie dropped Ashley @ our house then we dropped Cannon off to church for his vanpool ride to Spring teen retreat. This was Cannon's 1st church retreat so he got cold feet at the last minute and refused to go-then had a little big o'trouble. I convinved him he needed a break from his chores and us. We prayed all weekend for him. He ended up learning a lot and having a great time!! It was good to see such passion in his eyes as he spoke of the learning sessions, Bible time, cute girls, good food and games. Typically such passionate looks and speeches are reserved for Pokeman cards, games and Xbox games. I thank God for the counselors and camp to provide Cannon for such a respite. Friday night I let the girls pick out a Papa Murphy's pizza and a movie from the library.
Jewel got to have cousin Ashley over-we missed the parade due to getting things to Frank & Baron Hugh for the medieval society demo. However, we ate lunch @ the M.U., toured the library (Ashley is as addicted to books as Cannon- I love it! she read a book Jewel gave, started one of Cannon's this was in her "down time" riding in the car and before bed), spent almost an hour in the children's tent (play games for 25 or 50 cents), played several other games on campus, rode a ride at the carnival, learned how to rope a stationary steer from Miss Iowa Rodeo & took a picture with her,watched a few other demos and spent lots of time watching the fighters-sadly Frank helped marshall (type of referee) so we missed all of the times he fought. Frank's potential Knight was there so we got to spend some time with him. I pray that continues to go well their family truly seems to be really good mentors for our entire family. We had many people from all over the midwest come to support our group-I wish we could have that every year-enhanced the demo so much. Unfortunately, Frankie, Shandra and Vincent were the only ones setting up Friday night. I'm proud of Frankie for going after working 12 long hours on his feet to go set up tents for our group. Shandra brought Frank back a signed copy of the latest Jim Butcher book-Happy Easter present for Frankie!!!
Sorry, I jigjogged-back to Saturday. Saturday a.m. I made dark chocolate and raspberry waffles. Two thumbs up was the verdict.
Saturday eve we ate ham with loaded mashed potatoes (I used yogurt instead of sour cream fighting the mid 30's weight gain I am), ice cream for dessert, watched movies & several episodes of Samantha Who and hung out. Frank hung in there for the 1st half of the 1st movie followed quickly by sounds of peacful sleep (loud snoring). Both girls giggled. The girls seemed to have a great time. My favortie time I'll confess was listening to them talk and watching them hold hands and they sauntered down the sidewalks of campus chatting away. I hope to post pictures later. Saturday was such a terrific day.
Sunday-there was a mess up with pick-up for Cannon-which made Katie and Bill late for their church small group, a problem with one of Cannon's meds and a pharmacist not listening to me, I got a headache, Jewel threw-up (I think it was too much candy from VEISHEA) so I missed a b-day party for our friend from small group. So Sunday was kinnda a wash for me, but Saturday was really good. Okay, my back to work for me!!!!

Today, I am overwhelmed! Jewel just got over being sick (1st respiratory, then bladder problems, then stomach problems-the dr thinks it might be an ulcer-don't know for sure but she is on Previcid). Now, Frankie has the respiratory junk and Cannon-well of course the virus went straight to his bronchii so now his asthma is awful. I cannot recall the last night I slept well- Jewel would be in pain with her stomach and wake me up, I hear Cannon coughing and last night I had minor issues with my digestive disorder. No of these things are big things, but I'm just wore out.
Work has been super busy!
Cannon had an awful weekend last weekend and Frankie worked.
Monday night-we did have an excellent small group Bible study which I enjoyed immensely. We did run past time-Jewel told the school today that mom and dad are gone until late at night a lot (well more than we use to be but not a lot and on WEdnesday nights she is with us :) ). Anyway... just made me feel bad
Tonight, Cannon will skip Youth Group (the school nurse sent him home ill with his asthma no big surprise I prol should have let him skip). Frank & I decided to skip Medieval group because Frankie is still feeling junky and we all need a rest. Anyway.. so as can be deduced from the paragraph abt Jewel-she has been ill a lot he last month. we have taken her ot the Dr every time- The school also called to let me know she has missed "many days" this quarter so they are concerned. I explained every absence -and offered proof with a drs note. Her dr was so worried abt her he called our house himself @ 10 PM last night to check on her and give Frank the 1st test results for her stomach (digestive disorders run in my fam big time so I suppose it would be no great shock if she had one, but I was hoping not this young. My troubles did not start until I was 10 and she just turned 9). UGH-so the school nurse calls me with every little thing with my kids but then call when they miss "too much" school. Frank and I can't win!
So iffin ya have time please pray for Cannon's asthma symptoms to decrease.
Happy notes- I just finished reading "Called out of Darkness A Spiritual Memoir" by Anne Rice. I read it out of curiosity- I loved it. I highly recommend it.
Also, with the change to digital we now get a retro station out of Des Moines- in the mornings a really cute show is on "Bachelor Father' starring John Forsthye (from Dynasty fame). Jewel and Cannon both love the show-very sweet simple show.
better go get Jewel and start night time routines.
We do have Heubner family birthdays this weekend- I truly look forward to seeing everyone. I'm hoping on Sunday or even Saturday night I can con Frank into a family movie-we should be able to swing going to the discount theatre. We haven't gone to a movie as a family (really or individually) in FOREVER. I desperately need some fun family time.
Since we don't take trips during Spring Break Frank came up with the idea of taking the kids to a local breakfast restaurant that is famous for plate size, orange pan cakes on the Thursday morning of break. I am EXCITED for this-we have not told the kids yet. I would usually try to take the kids to a movie or somethings, but this will be new and FUN because we all will be there.
I have been exercising more, but still not where I want to be or was at the end of last summer. I just have to keep trying. I haven't gained any weight at all, but just feel better when I can "hit it hard". I did notice last week when I exercised more I seemed to be a bit more hungry-that frustrated me.
Already looking forward to making Easter baskets- I love that. And watching Charlie Brown Easter show with the kids. Frankie worked all day last Easter, maybe he will be off from work this year. That would be sooo nice. I have decided no matter what I am not going to cook all day this Easter. I still want to prepare food for my family (we have a few favorites for each person), but I've gotta figure a better system out.
Okay.. now I've really got to go, but I feel better now. Thanks for "listening".

Smiles
Jennifer

Hey all! Looking forward to going to Jubilee (anniversary celebration for our medieval group) this weekend, but a tad nervous. So a quick shout out to my praying readers-please send some prayers to our Heavenly Father for safety for us and for me.
Okay better finish my tasks
Smiles,
Jenn